This blog is specifically for those who suffer with DPDR, have a loved one who does, or you want to learn more about it.
First off, I am not a doctor. I am not here to give medical advice.. In future posts I will talk about supplements and things that have helped me and many other DPDR sufferers, but always consult your doctor before considering trying anything.
My goal is to bring as much awareness to depersonalization and depersonalization as I can, share techniques that can alleviate it, and so on.
I really didn't experience any mental health issues until I was 17. I tried a drug that triggered a horrible panic attack, which led to 5-6 months of having about 6 panic attacks a day. But I was so lucky..It completely went away as soon as I got my license and my own car. I had freedom.
I found out I was pregnant when I was 18. Later found out I was having twins! It was not planned, and at the time.. I was devistated. The guy I was with I only knew for 5 months, but we thought we were in love (ha) As time went on, I was SO happy. My pregnancy was beautiful, minus all the throwing up, bleh. But I was probably the happiest I've been in my whole life. Life was beautiful, I laughed so much..I was Brittney.
Finally, on February 19th 2010, I met my angels, Madalynn and Sophia. I was filled with so much joy I couldn't handle it. They were perfect. The sad part was that they had to stay in the NICU for 2 weeks due to breathing problems (they were a month premature) I stayed in the hospital for 5 days during their 2 weeks, but after I was discharged.. their dad and I were there as much as possible. He worked, so he couldn't be there as much as me. I would be there from whenever the NICU opened till they closed. But also, I was abusing the pain medicine they gave me. I didn't realize it. I went through 90 in 2 weeks. I actually ran out the day they came home.
That's when everything hit me. They also put me on some antidepressant, which now thst I think about it... I'm mad that they did. I was okay for awhile, but postpartum depression kicked my ass. It lasted about 6 months (REALLY bad) but about a year total.
I tried so many antidepressants, all giving me worse depression. Going back to pain killers made me feel better. (Endometriosis surgergies) by December 2011, I had enough. I wanted off pain killers. So my doc gave me a tapering dose, which I didn't taper.. went to a new doctor who prescribed me adderall. I was prescribed adderall in the past, like when I was 16 and it worked great. I was diagnosed with ADD and it really helped me. But I do remember getting off since I'd crash by like 5 pm.
I just remember telling the doc I couldn't concentrate, I've been on it in the past and it helped..and when I say "couldn't concentrate", I think it was the onset of Dpdr. So. I took it, and after 3 days.. each day feeling like my skin was crawling.. that 3rd night, I went into a full blown panic attack. I've NEVER felt anything so scary in my life. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like my body, my brain. Everything was on fire. I paced around the house with my mom, my sweet mom.. for about an hour. I couldn't take it. I called 911, and that's the first time I experienced getting treated like shit by people who work in the medical field. They got here, I was still pacing..trying not to sob my eyes out so my girls didn't wake. The EMTs looked smug. They said "you're having a bad reaction to the medicine. But your vitals and everything is perfect. If you have anything to calm you down, take it...and call your doctor in the morning" and left. I had some ativan that was from the hospital after having my girls. I'm sure it was expired. I took 1mg and passed out... I had no idea what was to come...
I woke up, very early. I rubbed my eyes, but they wouldn't clear. I kept rubbing them and I panicked. I was still laying down..but when I got up, holy shit. I felt like I was on acid. Which I've never done, but I can imagine.... I had no idea what was happening. I screamed out for my mom, and was sobbing. I told her my feelings and she told me "you're probably still stirred up from last night. It's ok. You'll be okay honey" I knew I wouldn't be okay. I was in bed all day, as my mom and their dad took care of my babies
I took benadryl to sleep. I didn't like how the ativan made me feel..Or maybe I thought it made it worse. Woke up the next day, felt worse. I knew something was terribly wrong. My mom contacted the doctor who prescribed the adderall (it was super bowl Sunday) and the doctor told my mom to force me into a psych ward. (My mom didn't tell me this till I got somewhat better) I asked my mom what she said, with terror in my eyes. My mom made something up like her advice was to see a therapist and psychiatrist. I know my mom though, I could see rage in her eyes about this piece of crap doctor. But I was too frail and out of it to ask.
I remember telling my mom, "If I have this another week.. I'm going to a psych ward" a painful week passed by, then I'd say 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month, and so on. All during that time I was frantically googling my symptoms. "Nothing is real, everything is a dream, panicked, not in my body" things like that.. I came across depersonalization and derealization. I read about it, and it fit everything I was going through like no other. But I didn't want to accept that it was "mental" and the stigma that goes along with mental illness. So, I would find people writing in about vitamin deficiencies - b12, magnesium, even the most complex things that I don't even remember, it was a blur. I'd go to specialists, urgent cares,hospitals.. all telling me everything was okay. I'd come home crying when I thought I found the cure, but didn't. Also doctors didn't take me seriously. Especially neurologists. I requested every type of testing possible that went with my symptoms. They checked to see if it was internal seizures, MS, anything.. again, I cried when the results came back great.
Then I went to ENTs (ear, nose and throat doctors) thinking it was a middle ear infection. I would use OTC ear products like Debrox (sp?) And think that would help. Middle ear infections, or something like Meiners Disease has veryyy similar symptoms to DPDR. But, everything came back normal.
I went to eye doctors, to find out I had 20/20 vision. Chiropractors, massage therapists, to see if it was related to neck pain. I found on a website that a girl had TMJ and when she got it fixed, all her dizziness went away. I used to joke about my jaw making a popping sound when I ate, or just did it to show people lol. So when I read that, I was really set that TMJ was the issue. I went to a specialist, where he did say I had it. He made me some impression / mouth guard thing to use at night. I was so excited. I used it for about a month.. and every morning I'd see it next to me (it was way too big) But at that point, I wasn't willing to go to doctors anymore. That's when I gave up on myself.
I was crippled. Alone. A mother who wasn't there, mentally. And I'll tell you, that tore me apart. It was like being a caged animal.. like a mama bear being restrained from her cubs. But that gave me the motivation to see a therapist. I mentioned depersonalization, and she looked at me like I was crazy, like I should be locked up. She didn't even know what it was. She had to jot it down on her little notepad to later look up.
So, that was discouragung. She pretty much just told me the basics "maybe you can start working out.. go on walks.." shit I didn't want to hear, and definitely couldn't take her advice. I then saw a psychiatric nurse who prescribed me Pristiq. Since I didn't do well with SSRIs in the past. I left feeling really good. She knew about DPDR and thought it would help. I remember taking it out in the car, about to go to another doctor for back pain. it was about a 30 min drive from her office to his, and in his waiting room..BOOM, panic attack. I quickly took a Xanax (what she also prescribed) and within minutes, I felt... good. Like, out of my torture. I FOUND the answer. I figured it was just a shock to my body at first, but I had it under control. The rest of the day was great. Literally, I sobbed like a baby, my mom and I, that I found the answer.
I was SO excited to take it the next morning. 30 min later, panic attack...but about 5 times worse. I took a Xanax, but it didnt calm me down. I felt zapping sensations down the back of my head to my neck. Let's just say that sensation didn't go away for 4 months.
I tried to give it a fair shot, but it got worse and worse and worse. I called her after hours, and she was angry with me. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT? ! Just go to the hospital if you need to" Bitch. I wished the pain on her so bad.
So, I just got on pain killers. I was happy. It was really off and on, but it was like an antidepressant. I had energy, I wanted to get out and be productive, in my mind.. I was just taking it to be normal. No more suffering. No more being half alive. But, of course we know it's a controlled substance. I had endometriosis, surgeries, lots of ovarian cysts &cysts rupture. So I had a lot of pain meds going on. My favorite was oxycodone. It was perfect. Yes I felt a bit of a "buzz", but I went from being crippled in bed, to going out with my family, laughing, talking about life & being the mom I am.
Long story short with the pain killers... I doctor shopped like crazy. I got cut off from so many docs and there is a central database where they could see everywhere I've been and when/where and how many pain killers I got, probably 3 days prior. I hated that I was red flagged... if they only knew. Most all docs rejected to provide any, soomee showed sympathy. But, after awhile.. I got it other ways.. and that's when it took over my life.
There's so much I'm probably leaving out of here, like the time frames of the meds I took, but really..it was all a blur. I dated this guy for about 5 ish months. When my daughters were 3. He was 5 years clean off heroin and alcohol, yet I'd send him to get things....
He understood my DPDR so much. He got me. He loved me. And although he was a sobriety freak, he knew it was the only thing that helped me. But the pain killers became the devil. If I didn't have it... I turned into a different person. Anyway, fast forward... I checked inpatient to get off pain killers and tramadol, which is a partial opiate that I took for my back pain.
I remember taking my last 4 Oxys on the drive there. That was nothing to me. I Was up To 30 A day. Maximum.
I was there for 5 days, that's all my insurance would cover. When I was in there, I had a very kind doctor. He was an addiction specialist, and knew & TREATED patients with dpdr. I told him how I've tried suboxone before (something I left out) in attempt to get sober, but the naloxone gave me terrible side effects. I felt like I was drunk. I also tried methadone. Ick. So he told me there was something called Subutex. Suboxone is Bupreneprine and naloxone (ironically naloxone can treat dpdr) and subutex is pure buperineprine. He said doctors don't like to prescribe Subutex since it can be shot up, abused, taken with other things etc. But in my case, it was the best option. I had to wait 36 hours since my last dose of pain killers to take it (now that I think about that... that only goes for Suboxone. The naloxone is an opiate blocker, and if you take an opiate with it, or too soon, you're thrown into precipitated withdrawal.) They gave me Clonodine, benzos, promethazine...They doped me up there. I didn't like that. I've always hated the feeling of benzos, but since it was something I was on, they prescribed it. The Clonodine was so relaxing, but dropped my BP to 45 over something.
Finally, my doctor said it was time to take it. We all took our numbers to get our meds, and when I walked up they went over everything "this is subutex. You want to place it under your tongue, try not to swallow any of the spit that comes up (gross) wait till its fully dissolved, and you can eat or drink 30 min after that" So I put it under my tongue in front of them, and sat down with my friends. Once it kicked in... I didn't feel like I was on pain killers, but the fog lifted. People who didn't see me take it, asked me "you got dosed, didn't you? " lol. It's because I acted normal. I didn't look deathly sick.
So, here I am now. I know that was a long time from then to skip ahead. But currently I'm taking Subutex and Klonopin. I still suffer from depersonalization and derealization, but Subutex has helped me beyond belief. I don't care if people say I'm not sober, it's harder than pain killers, all of that. I know my heart. And I don't have to explain myself to convince people that.
I'm very much into natural remedies. It's my passion. I've been on Gingko Biloba (HOLY GRAIL!) For about 2 years? Also Acetyl-L-Carnitine, Vitamin D, and sometimes I'll make coconut oil, turmeric & ginger pills. (Not all combined. )
Anyway, that was my jumbled up story hah. I left out a lot, like I said, it was just SO much, even someone without DPDR wouldn't remember it all. But I want you to know that there is hope. Subutex helps me, but I'm not saying to go get on it. Mine had so much to do with opiate addiction. But I meditate (Guided meditation by Jody Whitely on Youtube) Read any inspirational book I can. As a Christian, "Jesus Calling" has been with me for over 3 years now. A month after I developed dpdr. When I feel super out of it, I use grounding techniques. My boyfriend just bought me a book called "Overcoming Depersonalization Disorder" -A mindfulness & acceptance guide to conquering feelings of numbness & unreality- By Fugen Neziroglu, PH.D. and Katharine Donnelly, MA
It's 170 pages, and just 48 pages in... I've learned SO much.
Anyway, I am glad to share my story with you guys, and will continue with updates. I might incorporate Natural Beauty, makeup reviews etc. But this blog is really about bringing awareness to Depersonalization and Derealization. You are NOT alone! Cliché, but Stay Strong 💚
If you'd like to contact me
Email - dpdrhelp@yahoo.com
IG- holisticbeautypdx
I'm new to this, so if there is a comment section, I'd love to hear your stories ☺ Of course it doesn't have to be as long as mine 😜
(Also sorry for any spelling errors)
